You can say that you were "My First"

I can finally admit that I am trying to get over you. Actually, more like I'm vowing never again to lower my expectations. I could care less if this boosts your ego or self-esteem, though this is a far cry from a compliment; you were the exception. You made me smile like no one else I ever knew could. Hell, you may have been the first. You made me feel cared for - at least for a good ten to twenty minutes anyway. You made me anticipate mirth beyond belief. You did your "civic duty;" I hope you met your requisite time by dealing with me. Who would have ever thought that I would be so taken by a picayune strumpet whose idea of a good time is getting drunk to the point the even a dog with the mange could ravage your loins.....but you're too classy for that.In all honesty, I cannot even begin to lambaste your persona. There is hardly anything negative I can think of that justly depicts you. I actually liked....became infatuated by everything about you; that is what makes it so hard to hold malice towards you. I longed to know the old you, the part of your life you try so hard to conceal from the rest of the world. There is just one thing that you failed to realize - I am NOT the whole world. I am someone who cares about you; the flaws and all. I saw so much in you that I never knew could exist in one person, and all you say was "an awkward stage."I can say this much though: I am done getting my hopes up. I no longer have to wonder why you never showed up or why we never got together to do anything. I am done feeling like I had somehow done something disagreeable whenever "something comes up." I hope you never find this, since I never want you to feel the way I have since I've know you. I could not stand knowing that my actions, rather acknowledging my feelings, hurt you. Since the neophyte stages of our acquaintance, I have avoided expressing myself to you simply out of fear of exhibiting my true nature. I advise you not to take my words to hears, considering than no sign of my existence should remain in your being.Now this prolonged rhapsody is concluded.

Interlude to Confusion

"Sometimes, I wish I was a girl."
Not for the superficial aspect of fashion or the social acceptance of favoring the affection of men; just for the simple fact that I would be able to be rude because most would take it as "she's just PMS-ing."

Well, in a way I guess I am a girl. I my eyes I see a man with possibly recessive male attributes, but my peers have seen otherwise. I have always been "the feminine one" out of all my male relatives. I haven't been able to break this notion, but I guess I don't care so much anymore.....Except for the whole "coming out" aspect. Yes, to the "surprise" of everyone, I'm gay, which I see as a contradiction (the "I don't think he likes girls" gossip has always been heaved my way, yet they hypocritically believed it was just a phase?)
I mean, I may come off as a regular hetero-male (I don't act like the stereotypical "queen" or "Diva"), but I do like men, no doubt about that. I guess I'm just suffering from this complex that I'm supposed to like women (biologically, I'm built to, but psychologically I just don't), and that I'm letting the human race down. I've known this since the 8th grade, but looking back on life, I've know my entire life. I just suppressed the thoughts.